Twenty One Stupid Things

Twenty One Stupid Things

I turn 21 tomorrow.

I’m still trying to work out how much I actually care. It’s arduous, attempting to collect your thoughts when the mind is overrun.

Did I ever tell you about my first kiss? I was 9 years old at a school disco. It happened in the entrance of All Saints Hall whilst Mambo No 5 played in the background. I couldn’t tell the difference between the bubble and fizz of young love and Panda Pops, but I was pretty sure smooching the star of the school production of ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’ was the best moment of my life. He was gay. My mum was right. That happens sometimes.

I’m rambling. I’m alive. Did you know I thought ferries were called “fairies” until I was 11? Madness.

Anyway, here are 21 (disputable) scraps of knowledge I have acquired over the years.

1. Drinking at home is usually the best option. Don’t @ me. You embarrass yourself way less and only chat shit on twitter, which you can retract and delete the next morning. It’s also cheaper.

2. Don’t waste time with people who put you down. Most of the time, you’ve probably already got that covered, so try and surround yourself with those who make you feel good – better, even

3. KISSING PEOPLE AND CALLING THEM CUTE DOES WONDERS FOR THE SKIN.

4. GOSSIPING IS TERRIBLE FOR THE SKIN ALSO A REALLY BIG WASTE OF TIME GO AND KISS SOMEONE INSTEAD.

5. Sure, you don’t need other people to like you in order to like yourself, but you also if everyone hates you There Is A Problem.

6. Keep writing, idiot.

7. Taking time out doesn’t mean you’ve given up.

8. Don’t fear a boring job, it will make you appreciate productivity so much more.

9. Invest in some storage units.

10. Twitter friends are for life.

11. Female friendships are the Bomb.

12. CHALK PENS EXIST!! PLEASE STOP WRITING WITH ACTUAL CHALK.

13. Virginity is a patriarchal manifestation but uhhhhh also, you know, treat it with the same kindness and respect you would your best friend.

14. If it isn’t working out with your partner, just hold on until you can send them this: 

15. In all seriousness, though, your partner should be your best friend. If you don’t think they’re the shit, ghost them or something.

16. You are not insignificant.

17. Your love is not insignificant.

18. Aperol Spritz is a luxury and should be treated as such.

19. ^ I wrote that rule before attending an Aperol Bottomless Brunch and, after vomiting on my boyfriend, I can confirm it is the most bona fide bullet point in this list.

20. Skincare threads are great but nobody will send you free shit, apparently.

21. Jonathan Van Ness is white Jesus.

bye